Exquisite Pain

Today does not feel like a haiku-ing kind of day, but there are things I want to say nonetheless.

The pictures below were taken today near my house, where the trees are really starting to shed their leaves. I live in a quiet area, and it’s a delight jst now to go for a walk round the block.

I realised that it’s now mid-October, yet the calm, mild weather is still holding.

16 years ago tomorrow, I lost a parent. I remember everything about that day, especially how dark it was when I finished school and how I got soaked waiting for someone to come and pick me up. I remember the rain dripping off my hair as I stepped through the front door of my house and was faced with all these people – you know, those family members that you only see during times of crisis – or weddings.

I remember how cold it was for months afterwards – biting winds and slate-grey skies. In reality it probably wasn’t much different to how it is just now, but the hazy sunshine, blue skies and burning autumnal colour passed me by that year.

I felt the same way last year, when that most precious of experiences, the Promising Relationship, ended. Not that I’m comparing getting dumped to a death in the family, but it’s still a loss. I don’t remember autumn last year either, which is a shame as it really is my favourite season.

I think part of me likes a bit of melancholy, and there’s something infinitely sad about nature’s last beautiful burst before winter. I’ve heard love described as an exquisite pain (or something), and I sort of think the same about autumn – the end is crushingly near. Inside me there will always be a hurt and confused 11 year old who understands nothing about the harshness of the world, but is about to learn fast.

 

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2 thoughts on “Exquisite Pain

  1. Thomas says:

    I’m sorry for your losses. I enjoy your haiku also. A blog is made of many different types of posts and many emotions. So, I nominated you for the “One Lovely Blog Award.” You can see the details in my blog post.

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